Month: September 2013

Discretion — and The Golden Rule

On By mdannels3In Thinking about Communication, Thinking about RelationshipsLeave a comment

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“May my spoken words and unspoken thoughts be pleasing even to You, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”

Psalm 19:14

Raising our sons in a parsonage, we realized early that they just might hear things we would rather they didn’t. We always worked to assure that they didn’t know the “bad” or the “ugly” parts of being a pastor. However, our houses were small, our sons were intuitive, they had big ears, and they often knew things we had no desire for them to know. Our challenge then became teaching them DISCRETION.

Discretion says that everything that enters my brain through my ears does not need to exit through my mouth. Discretion teaches that every thought that comes to mind isn’t necessarily worthy of being shared with those around me. It reminds us that some news isn’t really ours to share.

I grew up in what I call the microwave generation. We became accustomed to “quick” things. Instead of waiting for the kettle to boil, I could have a hot cup of tea in 90 seconds. Fast food was a part of the lifestyle I lived as a teenager after my parents divorced. Then along came My Space and Facebook where messages were available at anytime of the day or night. Although they weren’t “instant” we were pretty amazed at how quickly news could spread through them. And then we got a cell phone and became available twenty-four hours a day. I learned to text. That was about as close to “instant” as I’d ever experienced. But this generation, the children and teens who are living today now have instant messaging, Twitter, and snap chat. I fear, however, that with the advent of this world of instant communication, something has been lost — discretion.

Maybe I’m just getting old, but I firmly believe that some information does not belong to me. And frankly, some information doesn’t belong to you either. What I mean by these harsh-sounding statements is that everyone should have the right to share their own “news” in their own time and in their own way.

Texting, Twitter, Facebook, and instant messaging are things that dispense information like a street vendor hands out hotdogs. Often times they do so without regard to the feelings of the people who may be involved in the message they transmit. Life events are shared without considering that it really isn’t our place to share them. Rumors abound and are often repeated again and again, even though they may have been proven to be incorrect. Misunderstandings are frequent, relationships can be damaged if not destroyed. And to be honest, reputations can easily be ruined. On the other hand, these means of communication can be tools that benefit us — WHEN they are used in a way that is considerate, thoughtful, and encouraging.

I would like to suggest an old — new — idea. Let’s practice discretion. Let’s teach consideration. Maybe, just maybe, we could return to the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Not just in our actions, but in our words, our thoughts, our statuses, our texts, and our Tweets.

(Who knows, if we return to this kind and polite means of communication, maybe a politician or two would think it was novel and would try it out themselves. We can only hope.)

Some Goodbyes Are Harder Than Others

On By mdannels3In Thinking about God, Thinking about LoveLeave a comment
A memorial candle lit in honor of our daughter Jessie. This was lit by my niece Pam at a memorial service in Alaska honoring the infants and young children who have died in our family.
A memorial candle lit in honor of our daughter Jessie. This was lit by my niece Pam at a memorial service in Alaska honoring the infants and young children who have died in our family.

For example:

  • Goodbye to the unborn daughter knowing you’ll never hear her laugh
  • Goodbye to a nephew and a great niece who each lived less than a day
  • Goodbye to the boy in 4th grade who flipped his bike, going through a plate glass window
  • Goodbye to the star teen athlete with so much potential
  • Goodbye to a son’s college roommate who died while working on his car
  • Goodbye to a nephew in his mid-thirties who fought a valiant fight against health problems for much of his life
  • Goodbye to my childhood babysitter and adopted “Mom”
  • Goodbye to a dear friend’s mother who lost her battle with cancer
  • Goodbye to an amazing man, a member of our congregation, who had been a prayer warrior for us
  • Goodbye to my 100 year old Grandmother

Life is filled with hellos and good byes. Some goodbyes are harder than others. We say goodbye to people everyday. It could be something simple like, “Catch you tomorrow,” or something more difficult like, “I promise, we’ll see each other again.” Then there are goodbyes that are more “permanent”, the goodbyes that we say at a funeral. These are the ones I am thinking about today. And we must admit, that with them, some are harder than others.

I’ve attended two funerals in five weeks. The first, a little over a month ago, was my 100 year old Grandmother’s funeral. Although her death was not a shock, it was hard. She was an amazing, Godly woman who loved me. And I loved her. I lived with my mom when I met and began dating Mr. Gorgeous, but Grandma was the first person I told about my feelings for him. A few years later, she admitted that when she received my letter telling her about Mr. Gorgeous she began praying for him because she was confident he was going to be my husband. I always had great confidence in her prayers. I miss her. However, I would not call her back to this world for anything.

Last week, I attended a memorial service for a 17 year old, star athlete. He was an amazing young man. I taught him a few years ago. A gifted communicator, he wrote with amazing clarity. Relationships were his forte. He drew people to him and made them feel valued. As an 8th grader, he saw a few 6th grade girls who hadn’t been asked to dance at the fall dance — he and his buddy asked two of them to dance and these gentlemen got down on their knees to dance with these girls who had, until that moment, felt left out. Last year, he lead our football team to a state championship and he won a first place medal in high jump at the state track meet. Character. He was filled with character. He died as a result of a tragic accident and saying goodbye to him was hard.

Every loss causes pain. It is a risk that we take. Loving someone means we are risking pain. We love; we lose; we hurt. Yet, we risk that pain because loving someone and having that person be a part of our life is worth it. Each person we love enriches our life. Going through pain can cause us to grow. We can become stronger because we’ve experienced hurt.

Some goodbyes hurt less than others. Losing someone with a ton of potential is harder in many ways than losing a person who lived a long, full life. When we are confronted with these losses that are unexpected or that are painful, we wonder why. God can handle our questions. It’s okay to ask God why — it’s even okay to shout, “Why?” I wondered why our daughter didn’t get to be a part of our family. I asked God why. I was broken-hearted when our amazing nephew died and when my childhood babysitter passed away. I felt lost when our prayer warrior friend was no longer there to call for support, and now that I can no longer send my Grandmother a letter. I am confused why an amazing athlete with a strong testimony has gone home. And I wonder why. Yes, some goodbyes ARE harder than others.

I am grateful for these people and others to whom I have said goodbye. Their investment in my life, the hope they’ve brought to me, the dreams for a better tomorrow, the warmth and acceptance…the love. Caring for them — and being cared for BY them — was certainly worth the risk of loss. Definitely worth the reality of saying “goodbye”.