Earnest Expectations

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Ruidosa, New Mexico: Bonita Park Nazarene Camp Grounds. Teen camp. A rainstorm caused the camp fire to be cancelled. What do you do with 150 teens who are expecting a camp fire? Well, you take them to the tabernacle and you show a movie.

18: NO TIME TO WASTE.

A life changing film. It tells the story of an 18 year old girl who lived her life with a passion for serving the Lord; but then she died at the age of 18. Her heart’s desire was to tell people about Jesus — and she did. Philippians 1:20-21 were her life verses. Soon after watching the movie, I searched Christian book stores for the book; I finally ordered a copy.

“According to my earnest expectation, and my hope, that in nothing shall I be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now shall Christ be magnified in my body, whether it be by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain.” -Philippians 1:20-21, NIV.

These verses became my life verses as well.

What is an earnest expectation? For me, my earnest expectation is what I desire — no expect — to see in my actions, the way I choose to live my life. I expect that I will serve the Lord; I expect that I will follow Him wherever He may lead me. My expectation and my hope is that I will do nothing to shame the name of my Savior. I don’t mean to be cynical, but there are enough folks in this world who are giving God a black eye by not walking their talk. I don’t want to be one of those people. The high expectations that I have of myself are ones that I can live up to because God is God and He is my guide. It is through His power and His strength at work in me that I can fulfill these desires, hopes, and expectations.

I desire and expect that I will magnify Christ — that I will show this world who He is. By choosing to serve God and giving Him complete control of my life, I have determined that my journey through life will be guided by Him. It may mean hard times or great times, but whatever life brings, I’ve asked Him to take charge and be in complete control. Many may not understand that decision; but I have confidence in His leading.

If He chooses LIFE for me — great, I’ll serve Him! And if He chooses DEATH — then I am heaven bound! Either way, I win.

We can never be too casual in our decisions. I can imagine three pastors in New Mexico sitting around planning a teen camp. One of them probably said something like, “You know, we could have a rain storm, what should we do in case of rain?” The other two probably agreed that they needed a “Plan B.” Someone had to find a movie. They probably talked about it and prayed for guidance. Then God showed them the movie that would impact a 15 year old girl. I’m sure that same film impacted others that night too, but I know without a doubt that watching that story, and later reading it, changed my life, my heart, my dedication, my focus, and most of all, my commitment. Our decisions impact others; they have the power to change lives.

What were the expectations of those pastors for that short film shown during a rain storm? Did they expect the impact to be life changing? I think so…I hope so. When I act, when I make decisions that have the power to impact those around me, do I earnestly expect to magnify Christ through that choice?

Help me, Jesus, to live in the power of that verse everydayAmen.

 

A Time to Mourn…

A Colorado rainbow seen from our front deck following a spring storm. Rainbows remind me of God's goodness, His grace, and His promises.
A Colorado rainbow seen from our front deck following a spring storm. Rainbows remind me of God’s goodness, His grace, and His promises.

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:                                                           a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.                                                             -Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (NIV)

Thank you for being patient with me.

You see, I do not like being a person who is not “in control” of my emotions. Yet that is exactly what I am experiencing — a lack of control. People think I’m upset or angry. I’m not — I’m sad; I’m grieving. I’ve observed others grieve and have often wondered at the way they do so. Some people are strong — they are a rock solid. It turns out that I am nothing more than marshmallow cream when I grieve. Hugs make me cry. Funny stories make me cry. Sad stories make me cry. Pictures and memories — even good ones — make me cry. It doesn’t take much to make me cry these days.

Quite frankly, that annoys me! I am extremely independent and I’ve always been a “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” kind of person and I am helpless to be able to do that now. I so desperately want to go back to being able to function without this overwhelming sense of grief and loss. I know it will take time, but I’m impatient.

A dear friend taught me somethings about grief — thankfully. It was after our nephew died; she knew I was struggling and because of her experience working as a Hospice Chaplain, she was able to help me through that time. She taught me that it takes about two years to work through the grief of one loss. Each new loss is tacked on to the end of that two years — concurrent grieving is apparently not possible. I learned about grief bursts — a time of overwhelming, unexplainable, and uncontrollable grief. Grief bursts can happen without any perceived provocation and they must simply be endured. As pastors, my husband and I have often told those who grieve in our church that while the first year of grief is hard, the second year is often more difficult. It is in the second year that we realize the permanence of our loss — the second Christmas is when you realize that your loved one will never sit at the table with the family again.

In my brain, I know these things. In my heart, I want to fast forward through this time of loss and pain. I don’t like being treated like I’m breakable, but in some ways, I am very fragile. Kindness seems to be one of the worst responses I receive because it makes me feel weak — but I am weak. You see, no matter how much I hate feeling this way, right now I need kindness, gentleness and support. I am so grateful that God is in control, that family is loving, and that friends and coworkers are kind.

I will cope better…probably not tomorrow and maybe not even the next day, but soon. In the meantime I will try to remember that there is a time to mourn and this is that time. Thank you for walking this journey with me. For loving and caring, for praying. Soon, it will be time to dance. I can hardly wait.

Not My Words…

Texas Sunset, February 2014 (Ignore the powerline!)
Texas Sunset, February 2014 (Ignore the powerline!)

It’s been a month….

  • a month since I lost my brother
  • a month in which our family had a vacation
  • a month with many great memories
  • a month filled with confusion and frustration
  • a month of questions
  • a month filled with . . . I’m not sure what . . .

One goal that I had when I started this blog was that I would be open and transparent with my family, my friends, and my readers. And so I shall be.

This month had some great moments for which I am deeply grateful. However, it has also been a month of questions, stress, loss, and grief. To be completely honest…I have nothing to say — certainly nothing profound. In fact, I barely have any words at all.

Thankfully, God has not been silent. I have decided to share with you the things that He has reminded me of as in my pain I’ve clung to Him through worship, as we’ve traveled, as I’ve sung, read, studied, and prayed.

Reminders from God’s love…

  • Nothing that has happened (or will happen) is a surprise to God.
  • When I feel alone, I simply need to reach out because He never leaves His own.
  • I don’t have to know what He’s doing because I know who He is. (Thank you J.J. Heller for that powerful song! If you haven’t heard it, check it out on You Tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8jilr8qsYU)
  • Seek His kingdom first.
  • He is my song.
  • When I am in darkness, (emotionally, mentally, spiritually) His light shines brighter than ever!
  • The safest place to be is in the midst of His will . . . whether I understand it or not.
  • When I am weak He is strong.
  • I need Him every moment of every day.
  • He makes amazingly beautiful things.
  • Family is a gift to be treasured.
  • “My heart can rest in His embrace…for I am His*; and He* is mine.” (“Oceans” by HillSong United. *Words changed.)
  • He has surrounded me with amazing, Godly people.
  • He loves me.

Maybe you needed to hear from Him the way I needed to this month. He’s speaking . . . I’m still listening. Won’t you listen with me?