As you probably know, the past two years have been a bit rough for us. It all started with the death of my grandmother, followed quickly by the tragic, accidental death of a former student,  and then my brother’s death, some unexpected challenges, an invitation to move to Wisconsin, resignations, packing, moving, finding new jobs, settling in to a new community and a new ministry. Mr. Gorgeous has always been a rock — he has dealt with it all, kept me sane, and helped me feel loved even in the worst of times. I, however, have not handled it like a rock. I’ve mourned, complained, whined, worked, applied for jobs, tried to make a house a home… and if I’m honest, I will tell you that I’ve been pretty joy-less while doing all of that.

Now please understand, I’ve tried to be the person that God has made me to be. I’ve encouraged, believed, and loved. With God’s strength, I’ve attended to ministry while working in a job I really didn’t enjoy with amazing people who God placed in my life to make my days bearable. Loved ones have been missed (they are still missed) and I’ve longed for friendships that were forged by years of knowing each other and working together.

Thankfully, in the midst of the stress and loss, grief and change God has been at work.

Isn’t He always?

As I’ve worked with amazing women in a not-so-fun job, God has been healing my heart and reminding me that even in the midst of difficulty, He sends people to remind us that we are accepted, cared for, and yes, even valued. While we worked to establish ourselves in a new ministry, we’ve discovered unexpected challenges and things that were not as we expected. Yet God provided a cozy house that is warm in the winter and cool in the summer, a beautiful 75 year old church with memories, a treasured history, and a vision for the future. Best of all, that church is filled with welcoming, giving, and loving people. While I’ve missed friends and family, my world has been filled with amazing people who are becoming my friends — and some are even moving into those family spaces to help me feel at home, to feel as though I belong.

In the midst of all of the difficulties, God has blessed. But even more than blessing, He has healed, touched, renewed, and restored my brokenness, hurt, grief, and pain.

He is restoring my joy.

It helps that I am spending five days a week with ten and eleven year olds — I am so blessed. Even so, beyond their freckled faces, grins, laughter, and hugs, He is restoring my joy from the inside – out.

It has been a subtle healing. I still cry when I think of my brother, the Colorado mountains, old friends, former students, and the family I am missing. I think that perhaps I always will. One of the things I’ve noticed in this healing is that since my brother died, my emotions are more easily touched and that tears flow more readily. Even with the tears, there is less grief but still, there is emotion. Some people (my sons) may be asking themselves if there will ever be a time when I won’t cry all the time. Perhaps not, but they will adjust. (They won’t have a choice. Smile.)

Healing is in process — it has begun.

I noticed that the healing had begun when I began to laugh again. Oh, I’ve “laughed” during the past two years, but I hadn’t LAUGHED.

I hope you understand the difference.

I’ve laughed when I should, but honestly, it’s been a couple of years since I’ve truly had a good old fashioned, laugh until you cry moment. Until last week. I thought it was a fluke. Then, last night, it happened again — twice. And today, I’ve laughed again and again. To tell you the truth, I’m waiting for it to happen with some regularity because I have missed the joy that that kind of laughter expresses.

I always told John that I wanted my life to be reflected in the phrase, “She loved; she laughed; she prayed.” I guess that phrase is safe once again.

I’m laughing again — and I am thankful.

As I realized that I was laughing again, I also realized that those people around me have had to deal with my joylessness. I am sorry for that — but I thank you for understanding what grief causes and for supporting me in the darkest days. I will grieve again, I know that. But I am finally moving forward from this painful, extended episode of loss and I’m relieved. I imagine that those people around me are as well.

I am thankful that the joy of the Lord that has truly been my strength will once again be evident to those who know me.

In the days to come, expect corny jokes and silliness because yes indeed, I’m laughing again!