It started as a reason – maybe even a good one.  Then, it became an excuse. And finally, it’s become a crutch.

Four and a half years ago, everything changed. It’s as though there was a line drawn in the sand. A before and after line.

You see, four and a half years ago, we lost my brother to suicide. I’ve always said it that way. I’ve always included the cause of our loss in my statements about losing him. For some, suicide might be something to hide. It’s a hard thing to say, but I choose to own that statement – that reality.

Since his death, I’ve experienced anger, loss, grief, and guilt. Yes, I know that I am not responsible for my brother’s decisions. I know that the “if onlies” and “what ifs” are pointless. And I know that these things have become an excuse – even a crutch – that kept me from writing, from exploring the thoughts and ideas in my head. Today, I’m throwing away the crutch. Yes, I will continue to miss him, but his loss is no longer a reason to not do what I love to do.

I realize that we live in a world where mental illnesses are hidden or denied. It’s a world in which these struggles are medicated or ignored. I’m not a crusader – but I am a younger sister who lost her big brother. And as a result, there are a few things that have planted themselves firmly in my brain…

1. Assistance for Veterans is greatly lacking.
2. Emergency mental health assistance in the US is practically nonexistent.
3. Suicide is prevalent in our world and hiding it, avoiding it, and ignoring it will not help.
4. Suicide intervention and prevention are imperative.

So, yes, I will continue to advocate for these things, but more than that, I will return to sharing my heart.

My brother was incredibly creative – he could draw and build and invent. I write. And if he were here, he would ask me why I wasn’t writing. I’ve tried. There are half finished blogs in a folder on my desktop – it’s time to finish them, to create new ones and to return to my passion of sharing my heart through words.

My mother always said, “You can’t go back and begin again, but you can start from here to make a brand new end.” I don’t know where she got that statement, but it has always stuck with me.

So today, my friends, I’m going to start blogging again. I’m going to put aside the grief and guilt that I’ve felt and I’m going to write. It’s time to work on that “brand new end.”

I hope you’ll join me for this journey and understand that I am a different person than I used to be. Change can be good. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the commitment that I’m making to my myself today, so some of my first blogs may be reworked older posts – new stuff is on the way.

Maybe you are like me. Perhaps there is something that you started, but the circumstances of life have caused you to cease following your passion. Join me on this journey. We can’t start over, but we can start again from this place. I’d love to have you creating, meeting your challenges, finding your joy. Do it! Go for it! It may not be easy, but I believe with all my heart that pursuing your goal will be worth it. If I thought it would help, I’d double dog dare you. Let’s do this… together.

For those of you who’ve loved me and have encouraged me to follow this passion of writing, thank you.

Here I go again…. Creating a brand new end.