As often as I think I will sit down and write, I seldom seem to get it done.

But that’s the way it goes sometimes, isn’t it. Intentions. Good, bad, or otherwise are just intentions until they are acted upon.

And so, the question becomes, why don’t we act on them? Or more specifically, why don’t I act on them?

I’ve spent a lot of time considering this and I’ve come to realize that one of the main reasons it is hard for me to follow through on my intentions – my desires – my wishes is because I am afraid of failing. Sometimes, okay, maybe more than sometimes, it’s easier to not try than to try and then fail.

It applies to so many things…  art… weight loss… travel… testing to complete certification in specialty areas… pottery… photography… cooking… creative projects in general, and… writing.

Who would I be? What would I be doing? What could I have accomplished if I hadn’t let my fears hold me back?

Honestly, introspection isn’t my favorite thing, but I’m getting older and so, it’s time. In fact, it’s probably beyond time.

I have accomplished some things in my life. I married an amazing man – I am truly blessed that he chose me. As his wife, I’ve worked together with him to raise three sons and to grieve the loss of our fourth child. We’ve put food on the table, kissed boo boos, scolded for attitudes, and yes, yelled a few times because of behavior. We’ve attended and cheered at athletic, dramatic, and musical events. These young men are amazing, capable, and talented. They brighten the world with their abilities and charm. Two of them have married beautiful women – inside and out — who bring class to our family – along with their abilities and especially their patience.

I’ve taught school for 20 years. My former students are soldiers, Christian leaders, police officers, doctors, pilots, lawyers, caretakers, parents, teachers – and other things. They are incredible, gifted people who contribute to their world every day, simply by showing up and being who God has made them to be.

My husband and I have co-pastored in four different churches for the past 23 years. We’ve experience church growth, church stagnation, and church decline in those years. But most of all, we’ve watched and prayerfully, we’ve helped as people have drawn closer to God and as they’ve grown in their relationship with Him. We’ve been honored to marry couples, counsel people who were hurting, baptize believers, dedicate babies, and conduct funerals for people who were well-loved. We’ve served the poor when we were able. We’ve been blessed to simply be the hands and feet of Jesus. And, we’ve opened the Word of God, sharing what He wanted us to share – even when it was hard.

And I’ve been a friend to a lot of really great people — I’ve tried to be a good one.

Have I accomplished things? Yes, a few.

Still, there are more things to do – places to go – tasks to complete – skills to learn or improve — lives to touch.

I’m not writing this for anyone to say anything about what I’ve done or who I am – this is for me. It’s my time of looking inward, of self-assessing, of goal setting.

I think we all need to do this at different points in our life. I’ve watched as people get older and suddenly they have no more drive – I’m working to not let that be me.

My sisters are older than I am. (Sorry, girls.) I’ve watched them grow older – I’m in their shadow, right there, just behind them. But one thing I’ve noticed and appreciated is that both of them continue to grow and to learn and to become more.

I want to be like them when I grow up. I want to keep growing. I want to keep learning and I want to become a better person. I want to be more tomorrow than I am today. My goal is to continue to become who God is making me to be – I’m not there yet.

So, I’m going to go back to some of those skill areas I’ve always wanted to improve at but have allowed to be set on the back burner. Creativity – it’s going to be front and center. I can’t wait to see what God wants to accomplish as I give Him these interests again and see where He leads me.

It’ll be a journey – that’s for sure.

How about you? What do you need to pull out and work on again – or maybe for the first time? Let’s not give up or give in.

Let’s keep striving to become whoever God is calling us to be.